Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore.

Feelings have become so confusing and I don't know which way is up or down. Sometimes friendship can become more and sometimes the feelings aren't mutual. Well I don't have the power to change his opinion and the cards were never dealt out in my favor, all I want to do is just be happy. And find someone that I can care for as much as I do for him at this very moment. I don't want to replace him just find something that I can share with someone else.

Someone that is equally special to me or more. When I write stuff like this sometimes I feel as though I am trying to put the blame souly on him, and trust me I'm not. I just can't let go and it sucks to feel this way. I don't even know anymore whether I like him or just really care about him or what. Maybe its the fact that I've never felt like this about anyone so I don't know how to describe it or what category it should fall under...

All I know is that I need to find mr.right soon..I've stopped looking so its time for him to come to me now..

A couple of months ago, some people moved into the house across the street from mine. Nice folks, actually.

About three weeks ago, they had company. The wife's nephew was coming for a visit--a Christmas visit. His Guard unit had been involuntarily re-deployed to Iraq. This was the second involuntary re-deployment for his unit, and for him it would be his third tour. I met him, and we had a nice talk for a couple of hours while the folks were preparing "Christmas" dinner.

Daniel, 25, was killed this Monday in Iraq. I found out when the folks came over to ask me to officiate at his funeral service.

I would like to be able to explain my emotions somewhere, in a way that would just make some sense. Daniel was a college student, a son, a Nephew, a husband, and a Dad.

He went because he was called. I can say this with no fear of successful contradiction, because it was a lot of what we discussed. Soldier to soldier, we fully understood the situation. He did not return happily. And, to be honest he did not return as willingly this time. He had only been on duty for two days when an IED blew him off a Hummer, into several different pieces, and into several different directions.

Why do I say that?

Because, my beloved brothers, as too many of us know, that IS the reality. His final conversation with me was the "what if" conversation. He had a solid faith, which was a joy to share. He had zero faith in his government. He had total faith in his Commander, and in his fellow soldiers, his "Buddies". That is one of the most powerful motivations for a soldier to return to a combat area, you know. "They are over there, doing the deal, and I am over here, doing nothing about it." Guilt, survivor's anxiety, the whole thing.

Today, I serve a grieving family. I serve as the friend of the soldier, as a friend to a soldier's family. I do so proudly.

I also do so with a great personal sadness. I guess that for some this would purely reek of that "Bleeding Heart" Liberal nature of mine. Others of you would refer to this as my moderate conservative leanings getting the better of me.

As I write this, I am awaiting a phone call that will tell me when Daniel's body will arrive here, so that the last battle will be fought, and won for him. It is 0333 and I am trying to make sense of my feelings.

What argument will convince me? What logic will support this? The soldier's heart within me has all the answers to the valiant's defense. The Pastor's heart within me has the words that will fall short of the comfort I would so surely wish to give the family. Both will be heard, and seen and known.

But, you see, my Commander sees this, and more than the tears of this soldier's family, which I have seen, and more than my tears, which I shed unashamedly, I cannot help but focus on the tears which I see on His face. In my heart, I know for a certainty that Daniel is resting in His arms.

But, as the Commander of the Heavenly Host holds Daniel securely in His arms, the look that I see on His face is one of pain, and shock. The tears which flow from His eyes are just as real as those of the many who cry with Him.

This is not a reality of life, or of war. This is the FINAL reality of life, and of war. And, in all the discussions, and arguments, and debates, and strategies, and campaigns both political and military, this IS the final battle.

This need never have happened. This is a quiet time in the night. Yet the words just keep screaming into my head. This, THIS need not have happened. There is no doubt in my mind, or in my heart, that Daniel's valor has no equal. It is completely "valid". So is the pain and anguish of those who loved him, and (like me) only knew him. I have no issue there. I am, after all, a soldier. The old saying is "It doesn't matter when you retire; you never leave!" It is true.

But, I must be honest here, if nowhere else.

I see no honor here. There is no face to hate, or fear, or fight. There is no legitimate cause, upon Daniel's life weighed in the balance. This war is not an honorable campaign. Honorable men and women fight it, and die for it.

This is a war of lies. For those of you, my beloved, who genuinely disagree with me on this, please understand that I do not disrespect you, or your opinions here. I am, however, clearly stating my own.

The rules of logic tell me that a thing can only be true if, and only if, there is no single point at which it is false; otherwise it must necessarily be false, no matter how much truth is contained within it.

There are many of us around this place that can speak to you younger pups for days about how the reality of a war of lies is fought. What you read about as history is, for many of us, recent current events. We know how it feels, and walks, and smells. We know how it tastes, and how it talks, and how it lies.

And, like no small number of you, I too was there when it began, standing in the sand, waiting for word to "jump off". It was a lie then. It is a lie now.

There are too many Daniels. Honorable soldiers who, for no reason other than the call, go. Their honor is not lessened. It is exalted. But they go to fight in a war that is a lie. There is just simply no other way to call it, but what it is. To call it otherwise, or not to call it at all would surely dishonor this valiant soldier.

This is MY heart on the matter. There is no place on this Earth for my heart's truth now, save this little piece of electronic space. So I take it, and I use it. Would I be ashamed if Daniel's family were somehow to see this entry? Absolutely not. Would I feel shame if my comrades, or my commanders were to somehow read this? Absolutely not, and especially not these people. For, unlike many who may read these words and feel anger, those people are the very ones who have the right to evaluate my words. It is they who, side by side, have fought with me and in many cases brought me safe from harm. I believe I honor each of them with the truth-not as the truth is, but the truth as I know it. And, my brothers, if truth is not worth fighting for, it surely is not worth dying for. How much so, then is it to die for a lie?

This war is a lie. And, that is just the simple truth.

And, the only way I can truly honor this fallen hero, if not tell it, is to at least honestly admit it to myself, here. And, so I do.

You see, in reality, that IS life in the closet. You may reel against those words, and say it is my choice. IS it? I think not. Unless you are speaking of my choice to rightly honor a fallen soldier, preserve the peace of his grieving family, and honor his life, and death in a memorial fit for a hero. Then, yes, it very much IS my personal choice. Sometimes, that's how choices are made in real life. Any parent knows this.

I am not in the Closet by choice, my friends. Nor, is the "condition", by which our mostly misundertanding fellow citizens compel me to be in the closet, my choice.

I have been compelled into the Closet in order to fulfill a greater good. My boss has never not seen me there, and has never looked into my eyes with sadness or shame. He completely understands the battle we wage day by day. Like Daniel, He looks into my heart, and sees Himself. Daniel has taken his rest, and we are still fighting the lies.

And, rest assured, fight on I will. I am, after all, a soldier. Not in spite of the Daniels who are dying in such amazing frequency by any means, but rather because of them, and for them.

I must, however, be honest with you. It truly DOES get tiresome. A dear friend imprinted a saying on my soul many years ago when he told me:
"You only get older when you get wrinkles on your heart."

I got a little older these past few days. I wonder how old ya have to get before you graduate?

Man, it just does get tiresome.

Good luck on your journey.

So, today I went and picked Sam up and we went for a drive.And by a drive, I mean we drove from Vic. and back. Vic. is a good 3 hours away. We talked and talked. She told me so many things, on our way back I pulled over, and we both just sat there. She told me she wants to leave, that she doesnt want to go back to her house. That she couldnt...
So on our way back, we stopped of in Courtnay and went to her older sisters house. Once we told her what was going on, she told Sam she could stay there as long as she wanted. I told Sam that is was probably a good idea, this way they can get outside help and she wont have to go back to her house. But thats when the good part ended.
There was a knock at the door...Sams mom. She was furious. We dont know how she knew we were there, but somehow she did. I looked at her and told her not to come near me or Sam. Sams sister, started yelling at their mom. And the next thing I knew everyone was crying, including me. Ive never seen this woman show any emotion other than anger before, nevermind cry. There going to see a family therapist! I couldnt believe it.
Sams staying up the street from her house, at her best friends. There going to work it out, hopefully. Sams mom said she doesnt know why she would hit her, and that that in itself wasnt an excuse but she would work at it. So hopefully things are going to be ok. Thank you all for the help and advice...

Hahahahahahaha. I told him so.

In what seems like years ago but was really only a few weeks ago when Dustin got together "officially," I asked him on the way to church about us living together this year at school. He was a little reserved, reminding me that we already had leases.

Don't underestimate a man on a mission, specially if he has a little hard-headedness in him.

I got an idea while he was gone and began to look at some property stuff around school. My idea was to buy something as an investment for us to live in.

Monday, while he was sleeping in, I had a long talk with a real estate investor that I knew and laid my ideas on the table. She thought for a minute and said that she could see that I had put together a pretty thorough plan, but where would we get the upfront downpayment and costs. I hit her with what I had in mind.

You see, the investor I had breakfast with was Dustin's mom, who has done very well with her real estate investments. She had a lot of good questions, but mostly just wanted to know what the continguencies were if Dustin and I decided we were not right for each other.

I think my answers comforted her, because after a little while, she smiled and said there was no way she could not do this for her sons.

I had already narrowed it down to a couple of condos, a house, and a fourplex. We really like the idea of the fourplex.

She puts up the downpayment and Dustin and I will take care of the property and make payments using the rental income for the other three apartments.

When we sell, she gets back her investment first plus her percentage on the investment, which I thought was very fair. She did have us put in buy out clauses that if one of us wants to get out, we have to offer it to the other two at fair market value for our part first before selling to anyone else.

Call me crazy, but I think it works out well. We need to be able to move this weekend, and the fourplex has an apartment open now.

Oh, and the leases, Mom was able to use her wisdom to get us out of those and our former roomies will be rooming with each other now.

Hey, don't ever underestimate me when I am on a mission.

I haven't figured what I am better at yet, but at least I am eligible and playing better. Our quarterback decided not to go to class last semester and he gets a seat upstairs this year. He was and really is a great guy though, but we will be better anyway. We will be better this year. You can't move the ball on the "Gay Sombreros" hahaha.

Well, going to bed early has made our first house rule evolve. Dustin and I, after getting a lot of feedback from you veteran relationship guys, have decide that if anything is not right, if anything is bothering one of us, we are going home a little early and talk it through and get it finished (even if I have to kill him) before we go to bed at night.,

And going to bed, we have committed to going to bed in each other's arms each night by 10:30. If there is any extra studying to be done, we will set an alarm and get up early to do it. We are just not going to shortchange our time to make love together.

I know it sounds rash, but I did make a good case to him and he bought it and signed off on it, so we are going to make it happen.

But he has got to learn not to eat ketchup on everything. I think that boy would pour a half a bottle of ketchup on a nice cut of prime rib if I let him, He must be from Texas. If he messes with my, he will be eating a steady diet of hot dogs if he wants ketchup on everything like the little kids get. hahah

Sorry it has been almost two weeks since you had the pleasure of reading my drivvle. It will be sparse for a few more days. We may have to hire a freshman to come write these for us inj order to get some out becuase no writing, no emails. I have learned that the hard way.

oday was national coming out day and the GSA-equivlant organization here on campus organized a small event. I'm the VP, so of couse I helped out. I realize now I chose to be the VP so I could help and be out but only semi-publicly... in safe situations.

So today I was wearing our tight bright pink "National Coming Out Day" T-Shrits and staffing the "gay club" event. I was so afriad to do it at first because I was afriad what people would say. Most people didn't say anything too negiative and we were surveying people, so they had plenty of time to tell us to fuck off.

The evening before I had been correcting homework for the class I TA. They had to turn in and do a sociologial analysis of advertisements, many of which involved themes such as "women as sex objects". I thought it was so funny today when I handed back the papers and one of the students asked "you liked this one too, right" and pointed to the ad he'd turned in. (It featured a partially exposed female model.) I stood there in my bright pink skin tight shirt with "National Coming Out Day" and upside down triangles printed on it. I fidgeted with my rainbow necklace, dumbfounded at his apparent lack of observational skills. I'd like to say he was so non-judgemental that he simply assumed I was an ally, but rather I think it's more that he was so heterosexist that he just assumed that I must be straight.

I just sarcastically said, "Sure" and laughed. He completely missed the connotation and thought I was agreeing.

On the bright side, I was told I have a job because the shirts I silkscreened came out so well that someone has offered to pay me to do them. Which means I get to eat even at the end of the month when food stamps run out... which is really nice.